Building Blocks
by abbyandatillasmom
Summary: One of the women is dealing with a tragedy. When the other finds out, what will happen to their relationship?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Building Blocks  
Author: Karen/Lady Esmeralda  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognizable  
Summary: This is A/U but with some elements of the show. One of the women is dealing with a tragedy. What happens when the other finds out and how will their relationship hold up?

For the last three years, she had despised the month of May more than anything else she could remember in the thirty years she'd been alive. It had been her favorite month for the two years before the incident. From then on, she had to deal with her daughter's birthday, the day she died and Mother's day all within about a week of each other. It was too much to deal with. At first, her friends had tried to draw her out, get her to 'talk about her feelings,' but after getting their heads bitten off a few times, they didn't have any other choice but to leave her alone. She'd threatened to cut them off if they didn't. It was just too painful to discuss with anyone else. All she had ever wanted was to be a mother and now her child was gone.

Mark and George had removed the furniture from the room. She didn't know nor care where it had gone. She just wanted as many of the painful reminders out of the way as possible. Izzy and Meredith packed up the clothes and toys and the rest of the child's things. She sat and pointed to a few things she wanted to keep as proof that her daughter had existed. She didn't need anything as a reminder; there was no way she would ever forget her beautiful child but she hoped that there would be a day when she could look at the things and not hurt as much. She had them take most of the pictures down also. She kept a few in her room and many in the box with the other mementos. She couldn't deal with the questions whenever someone new came to the house or the sad looks from her friends. It was easier just to avoid anything painful.

She took almost 2 months off work after it happened. Her parents took her home with them and she let them pamper her. She didn't care where she was or what happened to her. For the first week, they literally had to do everything for her. It didn't help but then again, nothing really did. She only ate because her father threatened to have a doctor put a feeding tube in. She finally weighed the least she had in longer than she could remember and she didn't care.

Everyone said she was crazy for going back to work so soon, but they didn't understand. She needed something else to focus her attention on so she didn't completely fall apart. She needed her work. She was able to lose herself in it for a while and concentrate on saving everyone else like she hadn't been able to save her own child. It made her feel a little less helpless and a little more in control.

It didn't hurt as much as she thought it would when there was a child on the table in front of her. She just thought back to the med school lectures that reminded them to do their best to avoid becoming personally involved with the patients. She looked at them as a job more than anything else and she had to be the best. It was who she was, the only thing left to define her now.

Three months after the accident, she got out of her lease and moved to a different apartment that didn't have quite as many memories with it. She still thought of Thalia every day, it was just easier to be in a place where she hadn't been.

The biggest change for her was that her visits with her parents no longer included church. After her daughter had been taken, she realized that there was no God. God wouldn't allow her innocent daughter to suffer, nor would he take her from parents that loved her. From the day of the accident, there was no longer a God in her life, even though she allowed her parents to plan the huge Catholic funeral as they wanted. She was going through those days in a haze and she couldn't make any decisions even she she'd had to. Surprisingly, Robert didn't fight her on any of the plans, but that might have had something to do with her father taking charge as he always did. He made sure to give Robert and his family some input, but both her parents handled all the details and shielded her from phone calls and visitors.

Apart from work, she survived from day to day the best she could. She had gotten past the point of wanting to end her own life, but she knew she was really just marking time until she could have her pain end. She'd had several short term relationships and it had always worked out that she had been on her own for hell week, as she came to call it. Her father had even learned to give her space during that time. She had to deal with the grief alone. It was all her fault that her child was dead and she had grown to feel that she didn't deserve to be comforted.

She realized at the beginning of April that this year would be different. She had been dating Arizona for about nine months and even though Callie had no idea how she would get the words out, she knew she would have to talk to her girlfriend sooner rather than later.

Callie already felt that the older woman was special. She could see herself spending the rest of her life with the blonde and she was fairly certain her girlfriend felt the same way. As much as she wanted to dodge the topic, she couldn't do that. She didn't want any secrets between them. She knew in a few weeks, she would start to change, withdraw and snap at people with no provocation. In fact, it had already begun. She had to say something now, before it was too late and her nerve disappeared.

"Ari?" She questioned quietly, coming into the bedroom where her girlfriend was reviewing some files.

"Hey! I missed you. I was wondering when you would get home." The blonde put down the papers and stood up to embrace the dark haired woman. They shared a long kiss before Arizona pulled back and studied her girlfriend. "What's up? I can tell that something's bothering you. Did you have a bad day?"

"No," Callie replied slowly, reluctantly meeting the older woman's eyes. "Work was actually decent today. I got to do surgery to repair a shattered hip on a fifteen year old. She's got a pretty good chance of making an almost full recovery."

"That's great!" The peds surgeon had noticed changes in her girlfriend over the last few days. _I know something's wrong but I have no idea what. I need to draw her out because I'm sure she'll feel better once she shares and then we can deal with it together. _The older woman hadn't yet heard anything through the hospital's gossip network either, which made her even more curious. _Then again, most of them love Callie and she's been here longer than I have. Maybe they're all helping her keep whatever it is from me._

"Um…so…I was wondering if we could talk." She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and tried to hold back tears. "If you're busy with something, it can wait." _I would really rather never do this, but I guess I'm going to have to if I want to sustain any sort of relationship. I do love Arizona and she's worth it._

"Of course we can talk," the older woman replied, wrapping her girlfriend in a tight hug. "I'm just finishing up some charts but I'm almost done. There's no way they're as important as whatever is bothering you. I've been worried."

"I'm sorry," the dark haired woman replied sadly. "I didn't mean to worry you…it's just that some things are hard for me to talk about. I wasn't sure when or how to bring it up."

"Come lay down so I can hold you and you can tell me whatever you want," Arizona reluctantly released Callie and quickly cleared off the bed, piling everything on the nightstand.

"Actually…" Callie's voice trailed off. "God…this…I don't even know how to do this…and I'm sure you're going to be upset with me. I think I need to keep moving around. If you're nice to me right now, I'm going to fall apart. I have this horrible feeling that you won't want anything to do with me once you find out what I've been keeping from you all this time." A few tears fell that she couldn't hold back any longer.

"Baby," Arizona smiled at her girlfriend in an attempt to relax her. "Unless you're telling me that you're breaking up with me, you're still married or you've had another girlfriend all this time, there is nothing that would make me walk away from you."

The dark haired woman walked over to get a tissue and blew her nose loudly before continuing. "No, it's nothing like that. It's just…this is so hard for me to talk about. It hurts too much. Um…well, May hasn't been a good month for me ever since my daughter died three years ago, four days before her birthday."


	2. Chapter 2

So sorry to go so long between chapters. I have a lot more written, just wasn't feeling it for a while. Let me know if you're still interested and I'll post again much much sooner than last time! :) Thanks

Arizona looked at her girlfriend in shock. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what that was like for you. Come here." She got up, walked over to the younger woman and reached up to wipe her tears away before opening her arms. "You thought I would be upset because I'm just now hearing about this? No way. We've only been together about nine months. If it had been several years, maybe." She tenderly stroked the side of the brunette's face. "Yes, I hurt **for **you. I cannot even fathom the pain you're in. This isn't something you would tell every person you meet. I can totally understand you wanting to make sure of our relationship first." _This fills in a lot of the missing pieces for me._

Callie let the tears fall unchecked as she allowed her girlfriend to fold her into the comforting embrace. "I…haven't cried **with **someone about her in a long time. I don't like people seeing me lose control."

The blonde smiled as she rubbed the younger woman's back. "I'm not just anybody, babe. I won't tell anyone. You know how I hate the thought of anyone crying alone. I'm glad you told me." She reached up to stroke the upset brunette's hair as she collected her thoughts. The last thing she wanted was to say the wrong thing. "Calliope? I want to do anything I can to help make May easier on you. I think we can both get the weekend before Mother's day off. Would it help to take a short trip somewhere?"

The dark haired woman thought for several moments. "I'm not sure…I think the change of scenery might be good and it would be nice to have something to do. That's when her birthday would be this year…it's just…Ari…I don't want to ruin the weekend for you. I might not be in the best mood."

"Totally understandable," Arizona kissed her girlfriend's forehead. "If you'll let me, I'll be spending the time with you, no matter if it's here or somewhere else. I don't care if we sit someplace and just stare at each other. I'm not letting you be alone. You can't do anything to ruin the weekend, Callie. I want to support you through this."

"God, I don't know what I did to deserve you," the younger woman smiled.

"Come here." Arizona gently pulled her to the bed and sat down. "You deserve some pampering." She waited until the orthopedic surgeon lay down and then began rubbing her back tenderly. "Do you want to talk about her? I'd love to hear."

"Actually…I would." Callie sounded surprised. "In the beginning, it hurt too much to remember or talk about her. Every time someone brought her up, I bit their head off and changed the subject. Finally, they stopped. Later, when it didn't hurt as much, I wasn't quite sure how to talk to people. I was her mother though, and not talking about her makes it seem like she never existed."

The blonde began stroking her girlfriend's hair. "You are still her mother. Just because she's not here anymore, that hasn't changed. We can talk about her anytime you want to. It will help me feel like I know her too."

"Thank you." The younger woman tried to figure out where to begin. "It was a very interesting time in my life. I've mentioned my ex-husband, Robert?" Arizona nodded, wrapping the Latina in a comforting embrace. "Well, we **were **having problems before I found out I was pregnant. We'd only been married a few months, but it just wasn't clicking for me. We really shouldn't have gotten married, but my dad was pushing for me to settle down."

Arizona laughed before she could stop herself. "I'm sorry for interrupting, but your dad should have known that was the worst thing he could do."

"You know how he is. Back then, he was even worse. He wanted me to be happy, sure, but on **his **terms. He had picked the most eligible bachelor, and of course he lived in Miami not too far from my parents. Salvatore was enormously wealthy, so he wouldn't care about my trust fund. I wouldn't have had to work and that was very attractive to Daddy. The thing is, I already **had **a father. I wanted a husband. Someone who would see me as an equal not a possession."

"Makes sense," the peds surgeon agreed as she resumed rubbing her girlfriend's back.

"I thought so too," Callie smiled. "So I went out and married the first halfway decent guy I met. I have to say that I didn't exactly give it too much thought; I just wanted to stick it to my Dad. Things were doomed from the start. I didn't want to hurt Robert though. We knew each other about 6 months and then I suggested we elope."

Arizona abruptly stopped her ministrations to her girlfriend's back and stared at her in shock. "And your dad didn't have a heart attack?"

Callie laughed and nudged her girlfriend playfully. "You've only met him once and you already know him pretty well. He didn't speak to me for a month. He finally came around when he realized I'd be making him a grandfather. Aria **still **isn't ready to settle down at all and he couldn't deal with not being involved in any grandchildren's lives from the moment of conception."

"I won- Why does that not surprise me?" _Think before you speak, Robbins! Callie's telling you about her daughter that died. It's obvious she's not over it. This is not the best time to talk about any kids you might have._

"He wasn't happy that we wouldn't move to Miami. He was even less happy when I told him I was still going to continue with my plans for medical school. I had a few months off between semesters to be with Thalia after she was born and Robert's mother and our part time nanny watched her when he and I were both working after that. That was her name, Thalia Imogene Cabot. "

"That's a beautiful name," the blonde gently wiped the falling tears from Callie's face. "I'm sure you were an awesome mother."

The dark haired woman reached for another tissue and blew her nose, squeezing her girlfriend's hand before continuing. _I don't know if I can do this without losing it but I need to try. _"I tried to be. God, I loved her more than anything else. I didn't care that Robert and I were having problems. We separated when I was about five months pregnant. It just wasn't working out. We managed to be civil and he was there when she was born and everything. Shortly after I started my first year of residency, I decided that I didn't want to try anymore. I wasn't happy and I didn't want my daughter raised around fighting. Plus, I was stressed enough dealing with the baby and school. I didn't need him adding to it on top of everything else, so I filed for divorce."

Arizona stroked her hair comfortingly. "That makes perfect sense."

"Thank you," Callie rested her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. "It means a lot that you understand. I've never had to explain this to anyone either. They were there for most of it. So, we shared custody and actually managed to get along fairly well, even after the divorce was final. Uh…about six months before she died, I decided I was tired of being lonely. Granted, I had plenty on my plate, but I wanted to try to find someone to love me the way I deserved to be loved. Dating wasn't my first priority, Thalia was of course, and I didn't go out very often, since whenever I wasn't at the hospital, I was usually with her. "

"Hey, you don't have to defend yourself to me," the blonde massaged the younger woman's back. "I've been there. There's nothing wrong with taking time for yourself when you can. Medical school is hard."

"I hoped you'd get it." The older woman smiled broadly. "So, I went out with a few guys, but it still didn't feel right. One of my good friends at the time was a lesbian. She had a newly single friend that wasn't looking for anything serious, so I decided it couldn't hurt to give it a try." _I haven't talked about this in so long. It feels so good to tell her, even a little easier than I thought- so far anyway. I'm so glad I have someone I can count on._

"Nothing wrong with that," Arizona smiled and reached up to brush a strand of hair out of her girlfriend's face.

"Meg and I went out a few times and then I guess my schedule got to be too much and she just quit calling. It didn't really bother me because between everything I had to do for school and Thalia, I had no spare time. I dated a few other women casually very very rarely and Robert and his buddies saw us out one night. It was obvious we were more than friends. He called me the next day furious ranting and raving that I was exposing **his **daughter to who knows what kind of filth and unless I wanted a custody battle, I better stop."

"So, let me make sure I understand," the blonde interjected. "You're stressed out, tired, in your second year of residency with a toddler and your ex husband is trying to control how you spend your free time? He'd met your father, I assume?"

"Oh yeah," Callie laughed. "Daddy hated Robert almost from the beginning. Until his true colors came out, I thought it was just because he was my choice and not his. Robert's family isn't as wealthy as mine, but they have money. Our lawyers were no match for his though and when he tried to go back to court to have me declared unfit, they basically laughed him out of the courtroom."

"I can just imagine," the peds surgeon smiled at the idea.

The brunette cuddled closer to her girlfriend before continuing. "So yeah, this was about three months before she died. Things got so bad between us that I had the nanny, my mom or Mark give her to Robert and he'd have the nanny or his brother bring her home. The last time I saw her, I said goodbye and went to work. It began storming shortly after my shift. I hadn't seen it rain that hard in a long time, the roads were flooded in some places and everything. It was really bad. I was on my ER rotation and we were so busy I didn't have time to think about anything. A few hours after I got there, they brought in a man that they pulled out of Puget Sound." Her voice broke as she remembered.

"Oh, Callie." Arizona had a bad idea that she knew where this was going. She hugged the younger woman tighter as she fought back her own tears.

"They'd tried to resuscitate him on the way but hadn't had any luck. I took one look at him and completely lost it." She had to stop for a moment to attempt to control herself. "It was Geoff, Robert's brother. He was supposed to pick Thalia up from the nanny and take her back to Robert's house." Callie closed her eyes and burrowed into her girlfriend as if trying to get away from her story.

"Oh my god," Arizona held her tightly, wiping away tears. "That…wow…" her voice trailed off as she realized there wasn't really anything she could say.

The dark haired woman took a deep breath, trying to compose herself enough to continue. "I excused myself from the case and called Robert. The accident could have happened after Geoff dropped her off, so I tried to remain calm. The paramedics said that they hadn't seen a child anywhere and that he'd already been unconscious when they got there." Robert answered the phone sounding a little worried. He was actually almost pleasant to me, which was my first clue that something was wrong. Before he said the words, I felt the terror flood through me. Thalia wasn't there. I dropped the phone and lost it. Someone came up behind me and took the phone. After they talked to him, they called my parents. Daddy and Mom got on the first plane, but by that time, search and rescue had brought the car up along with the empty car seat, her favorite bunny and the music box she took everywhere with her. They said that the current had probably swept her out into the Sound. They…uh…they never found her body." The brunette's voice broke as the tears began to flow again.

"God, baby, I can't even imagine what that was like. I wish I had been there for you," Arizona cradled her girlfriend feeling completely inadequate. "Just let it out. It's ok. I'm here now and I'll do whatever I can. You don't have to deal with this alone ever again."


End file.
